"The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him."
Russell Baker
Yes, it's true. No one (and I do mean no one) can defeat an inanimate object. Strange as it seems, not even I (as awesome as I am) can defeat them.
For instance, last night, my couch ruthlessly attacked me. It had no right to besiege me. I did nothing to instigate such a cold-blooded assault. I was simply sticking my hand into the dark recesses that inhabit that 1 inch of space between the bottom of the couch and the floor. Y'see, I thought I had lost my ipod....and what better place to look then under a couch? Anyway, I was just innocently searching for a beloved object...when the couch just HJGF! IT BIT ME! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! I couldn't. I now have a life-threateningly deep laceration on the poor tall finger on my left hand. I'm sure if I had looked, I would have seen the bone. It was quite frightening. I worried for my life! Luckily...my dad was there and he was able to help me fix it.
I probably should have gone to the ER all things considered...but I just ran some magical water and fluffy, foamy soap over the gash. And (MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!!!!!!) it stopped bleeding and has now scabbed over. Thank God! Although, it now causes me daily pain and discomfort.
I should warn you all of the dangers of couches. THEY'RE OUT TO GET US! They must not feel appreciated. I mean, we sit on 'em every day and they have to suffer through the thankless job. *GASP* It's terrible! Have YOU ever thanked your couch?!?! I THINK NOOOT! I now nominate today "Couch Appreciation Day!" Just saying. GIVE YOUR COUCH A HUG TODAY!
Appreciate your couch...cus someday when couches take over the world...yours might not kill you.
Peace Out.
*Note: I feel I should tell you the cut I received from the couch is maybe an inch long and is not deeper than a scratch an angry 5-year old would give you. My life was in no danger from this wound.
Russell Baker
Yes, it's true. No one (and I do mean no one) can defeat an inanimate object. Strange as it seems, not even I (as awesome as I am) can defeat them.
For instance, last night, my couch ruthlessly attacked me. It had no right to besiege me. I did nothing to instigate such a cold-blooded assault. I was simply sticking my hand into the dark recesses that inhabit that 1 inch of space between the bottom of the couch and the floor. Y'see, I thought I had lost my ipod....and what better place to look then under a couch? Anyway, I was just innocently searching for a beloved object...when the couch just HJGF! IT BIT ME! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! I couldn't. I now have a life-threateningly deep laceration on the poor tall finger on my left hand. I'm sure if I had looked, I would have seen the bone. It was quite frightening. I worried for my life! Luckily...my dad was there and he was able to help me fix it.
I probably should have gone to the ER all things considered...but I just ran some magical water and fluffy, foamy soap over the gash. And (MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!!!!!!) it stopped bleeding and has now scabbed over. Thank God! Although, it now causes me daily pain and discomfort.
I should warn you all of the dangers of couches. THEY'RE OUT TO GET US! They must not feel appreciated. I mean, we sit on 'em every day and they have to suffer through the thankless job. *GASP* It's terrible! Have YOU ever thanked your couch?!?! I THINK NOOOT! I now nominate today "Couch Appreciation Day!" Just saying. GIVE YOUR COUCH A HUG TODAY!
Appreciate your couch...cus someday when couches take over the world...yours might not kill you.
Peace Out.
*Note: I feel I should tell you the cut I received from the couch is maybe an inch long and is not deeper than a scratch an angry 5-year old would give you. My life was in no danger from this wound.
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